Mom...

I’ve prayed to God to change her but no changes have effected my mother.  None that I can see or notice.  I don’t even feel the need to call her my “mom” but it’s become a habbit.  She’s coniving, bitter, codescending, over powering, dictatorial , “im always right” type of woman.  She does things for our family, not because she wants to, but because SHE NEEDS TO.  She doesn’t get any type of gratification out of doing it.  I’ll admit she’s the one getting our family by, but day after day after day she comes home bitching, complaining, throwing out inessential things to make us (my dad and I) feel bad.  In all honesty she makes us feel like SHIT.  WHAT MOTHER/WIFE DOES THAT?  Her moods are biopolor and she can snap any minute.  Everyone tells me-“shes your mom, you have to respect her and just understand”- NO-there’s NOTHING for me to understand, I GET IT.  No one will EVER know nor understand half of the story that involves my mother.  She believes that SHES ALWAYS RIGHT, there are no if’s and’s or butts.  She likes to compare us. “why can’t you be like your cousin? she’s going to ucla! but you? your probably not even going to school you’re probably just wasting my money” She does it a lot, espically with my dad-too make him feel bad……..on purpose

That woman knows exactly what to say and when to say it. “THAT THING” the exact words to push your buttons. And she pushes those buttons everyday of my life. The good days with her are rare. They may only last for 10mintues before she transforms into the hulk on PMS x’s infinity. I kid you not her switch is constanly left on BITCH MODE. And her mouth ceases to talk constant negative things. What I highly dislike about her…she hovers. She always says something quote on quote IN-ENTENSIONALLY RUDE AND UNECESSARY to someone else. BUT she says it loud enough for you to hear knowing shes implying all those “rude and unecessary” things are about you. Then my dad..the poor sap he can be sometimes, he likes to jump onto her bandwagon of terror and joins her in her constant verbal whiplash. I know he only does it [not to make me mad on purpose] but to show that he can be on HER SIDE as well. Cus thats one thing my mother hates, she assumes my dad only vouches for me, which is totally TRUE. haha. What can I say, I’m a daddy’s girl. HONESTLY THOUGH, I feel like i’m in a NIGHTMARE.. I wish I could lay in bed throw my covers over my head and wake up in a completely different life. Where my MOTHER WAS LOVING and not soo cynical. but whatevs…this is my life..Gotta deal I guess..but DAMN my mother needs to chill…but she wont..

AND SHE NEVER WILL…

I hope when I grow up, if I ever have children that I wont treat them the way my mother treats me…I don’t want them “wishing i never had a mom like that” I want my kids to me proud of me, I want them to be like “i have the best mom ever”  I want to do things for my kids because I want to, out of love, not because I have too. I WANT THEM TO FEEL LOVED- I don’t want to grow up to be like MY MOM.

Ps:I can’t say im not grateful for the things she has done for our family, the rare happy moments thrown in every now and then in between the harsh reality of our lifes.  She can be a great mom, i’ve seen it every blue moon.  But it’s dwindled away..she is who she is…and theres not point in trying to change thatanymore :’(